


New Beginnings

by HoganCymreig



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Just needed somewhere to save this, No Fandom - Freeform, Personal Writing, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 12:40:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7103848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoganCymreig/pseuds/HoganCymreig
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Personal piece - just needed to vent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	New Beginnings

I can't cope. I can no longer cope! I'm so stupid for putting myself through this. 4 A-levels would be sufficient for anything I would want to peruse but oh no, little genius here thought she could do 5. Whenever someone asks me if I'm fine or I'm coping, my answer is "Yeah, for now anyway. Just a bit worried when exams hit." Cue nervous laugh and quick subject change or, better yet, get away. Meanwhile, inside I'm screaming "No, no, no! Help me! I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!" The only reason I'm still doing the five is because I know I'll feel like a failure if I drop one. I know it's stupid and I know I'm not a failure but this is just another part of the complex being I am. OCD, paranoia, call it what you will, unfortunately this is me. I feel the roof and walls closing in and the shackles which keep me stuck to my desk tighten. I feel my world crumbling and the noose which I tied around my own neck becomes taught and begins to suffocate me. The world speeds up and dead-lines pass me by like police cars or ambulances on a motorway and I, a mere pedestrian. I feel like I have stopped but the rest of the world continues regardless of the fact that I am going to pieces. 

I cannot ask for help for that would seem weak and I've spent my whole life showing that I am not weak. I am not just another airhead girl who men can look down their noses at through the glass ceiling which they so gaily dance upon. They have the security within themselves to never second guess anything. Never the feeling of doubt or sense of worthlessness. I want that. I crave that freedom. I am not weak, but a force to be reckoned with. One day people will respect me and all of this will be worth it. This suffering I put myself through will herald a new beginning where my future is safe and secure. I will no longer have to act strong for I will be strong. This pressure which is beginning to crush me will one day be my friend. I will survive like I have always survived. I survive and continue with life even if inside I am pleading to be set free into an easier life. Let me out! I bottle up this feeling and strive for better as I know I can be. I will thrive under this pressure and I will be the best one day. 

Or I would be if... Why am I always the one who looks up in awe at people? I look upon their beauty, their intelligence, their social adeptness and feel envy and jealousy seething inside me. Why can I not be like them? What's stopping me? I could do anything if it weren't for the little voice in my head calling me a failure. It's the voice of every critic I have ever faced. Any slight criticism I have ever received seems to amass in the corner of my mind and amplify itself to at least ten times its original strength until it culminates in one mass feeling of uselessness. I cannot do anything so why bother. I can no longer form a coherent sentence or even follow my own train of thought. My mind as well as my world has begun to come apart and yet, I still hold back from calling for help. I describe myself as being a strong person, and yet, I am one of the weakest. I am afraid. Afraid of what people think of me. Afraid of how I appear to the world outside of my own head. Afraid of how people will treat the true me, who is clawing so hard to get out but is continuously suppressed by social norms. "Help me and I will help you!" she screams. Her voice grows hoarse but my ears are still stubbornly deaf to her prayers. I want out. I want to see the world and then you can be free. When I am ready you will be free and a new chapter shall begin. A new life I shall lead and a new beginning, a fresh start, shall herald a new me. Comfortable in who I am I shall lead my life as I wish and not for others. For no one but myself. I shall struggle on until such a day. Struggle and cope. I must.


End file.
